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Commonplace Lavatory Laughs

Toilet humor has long been the reliable retreat in everyday journalism, and we are always mindful of notable bog-related stories and key events, particularly within football. What a delight it was to learn that Big Website columnist Adrian Chiles possesses a urinal decorated with West Brom motifs in his house. Spare a thought regarding the Barnsley supporter who understood the bathroom rather too directly, and had to be saved from a deserted Oakwell post-napping in the lavatory at half-time during a 2015 defeat against Fleetwood Town. “His footwear was missing and had lost his mobile phone and his headwear,” explained an official from the local fire department. And everyone remembers when, at the height of his fame playing for City, Mario Balotelli entered a community college to use the facilities during 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, then came in and was asking directions to the restrooms, afterward he visited the teachers' lounge,” an undergraduate shared with a Manchester newspaper. “Subsequently he wandered around the college grounds like he owned the place.”

The Restroom Quitting

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century since Kevin Keegan stepped down as England manager post a quick discussion within a restroom stall together with Football Association official David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, subsequent to the memorable 1-0 setback against Germany in 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the famous old stadium. According to Davies' personal account, FA Confidential, he had entered the sodden beleaguered England dressing room right after the game, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams “fired up”, both of them pleading for the suit to bring Keegan to his senses. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan had trudged down the tunnel with a thousand-yard stare, and Davies located him seated – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – within the changing area's edge, saying quietly: “I'm leaving. This isn't for me.” Grabbing Keegan, Davies tried desperately to rescue the scenario.

“What place could we identify for a private conversation?” recalled Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The dressing room? Heaving with emotional players. The shower area? I was unable to have a crucial talk with an England manager as players dived into the water. Only one option presented itself. The restroom stalls. A crucial incident in the Three Lions' storied past occurred in the ancient loos of a venue scheduled for destruction. The impending destruction could almost be smelled in the air. Dragging Kevin into a cubicle, I secured the door behind us. We remained standing, looking at each other. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I'm gone. I'm not suitable. I'll inform the media that I'm not adequate. I can’t motivate the players. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Aftermath

Consequently, Keegan quit, later admitting that he had found his tenure as national coach “soulless”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I had difficulty passing the hours. I found myself going and training the blind team, the deaf squad, assisting the women's team. It's an extremely challenging position.” The English game has progressed significantly in the quarter of a century since. Regardless of improvement or decline, those stadium lavatories and those iconic towers are long gone, whereas a German currently occupies in the technical area Keegan previously used. Thomas Tuchel’s side are among the favourites for next year’s Geopolitics World Cup: Three Lions supporters, appreciate this period. This particular anniversary from one of the Three Lions’ darkest days is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Live Updates

Tune in with Luke McLaughlin at 8pm British Summer Time for women's football cup news from Arsenal 2-1 OL Lyonnes.

Daily Quotation

“We stood there in a lengthy line, in just our underwear. We were Europe’s best referees, premier athletes, inspirations, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with strong principles … however all remained silent. We scarcely made eye contact, our eyes shifted somewhat anxiously while we were called forward two by two. There Collina observed us from top to bottom with an ice-cold gaze. Silent and observant” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson reveals the humiliating procedures match officials were formerly exposed to by former Uefa head of referees Pierluigi Collina.

Football Daily Letters

“What does a name matter? A Dr Seuss verse exists called ‘Too Many Daves’. Has Blackpool experienced Excessive Steves? Steve Bruce, along with aides Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been removed from their positions. So is that the end of the club’s Steve obsession? Not exactly! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie stay to manage the main squad. Total Steve progression!” – John Myles

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and distributed some merchandise, I have decided to put finger to keypad and offer a concise remark. Postecoglou mentions he initiated altercations in the schoolyard with youngsters he expected would overpower him. This self-punishing inclination must explain his choice to sign with Nottingham Forest. As a lifelong Spurs supporter I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware however the sole second-year prize I envision him securing along the Trent, should he survive that period, is the second tier and that would be a significant battle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|